Your World With a Troubled Teen

Chaos, confusion and conflict. These are the dimensions of a troubled teen’s world. How do you know if your teen is troubled or if he/she is just going through normal adolescents? You can ask yourself the following questions to get some insight:

1. Is your teen very secretive, evasive and unwilling to share aspects of his/her personal life?

2. Does he/she display outbursts of anger that seem irrational, unreasonable and unprovoked?

3. Is there a sudden change in his/her peer relationships and are you unfamiliar with this new group?

4. Does he/she act out in school, get in trouble with police or defy authority figures?

5. Has there been a change in grades or has your child lost interest in activities once enjoyed?

6. Do you suspect drug/alcohol use based on his/her extreme erratic behavior or bizarre appearance?

7. Is there noticeable weight gain or loss or changes in eating habits?

A positive answer to any of these does not mean your child is in trouble. However, if these signs and symptoms persist, you may want to educate yourself about one or more of the following disorders: depression, oppositional defiance, eating disorders and mood disorders.

As the parent of a troubled teen, you need to be extremely responsible and attentive. Do not let someone else teach your child “the ropes,” especially if it’s someone who may not have their best interest in mind. Familiarize yourself with their language, the websites they frequent (My Space, Face Book), so you can be alert to any negative influences or even sites that may put them in danger.

Do not give up on them. Teens tend to test your patience until they wear you out. Be aware that you are often manipulated by their creative ways of getting what they want. Teens really want your attention, whether positive or negative, but they also need your guidance. You are always the parent, but your approach should not alienate or shut yourself out of your child’s life. Speak to your teen in a fair, but firm tone, while redefining the expectations and consequences for breaching the rules. This will offer consistency and structure and help them be responsible for their actions, attitudes and emotions.

Amy Sherman is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. She is the author of the ebook, “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life” and “The Joy of Optimism” 10-Lesson eCourse. Go to http://www.bummedoutboomer.com/ to sign up for her free ezine and to receive a Special Report on Overcoming Adversity. Amy can be reached at amy@bummedoutboomer.com or 561-281-2975.

How to Remain Close with the Kids

One of the most important relationships you’ll ever have is with your children. Now that they’re older, with their own lives and interests apart from you, how can you keep the relationship and bond strong and healthy?

Here are several effective principles that will enhance your relationship and keep you close:

1. Be willing to listen first, and then offer opinions, rather than turning the dialogue into a lecture. Anybody will shut down if what you say sounds like a sermon. Therefore, be a good listener, using reflective listening skills. You may say something like, “I understand what you’re saying. You feel… However, I would like to assure you that…”
2. Improve your understanding by using good body language.
   Be sure that your facial expression and words are in alignment because body language reveals an overall emotional tone.
3. Encourage a free expression of feelings, thoughts and ideas. This would keep the conversation open and maintain an awareness of the child’s perspective.
4. Allow “special together time”. In other words, save time in your day or week to go shopping with your 12 year old, a movie with your 15 year old or out to dinner with your 22 year old. Be generous with your love, hugs and complements. This encourages a sense of trust and closeness, which is essential for security and well-being.
5. Be empathetic. By putting yourself in your teen’s or young adult’s shoes you begin to remember what it was like to be that age—what you were afraid of, what your most important concerns were, what you needed from others. Remember that all feelings they experience are real and should never be discounted.
6. Practice being a good role model. Therefore, express the traits you want your children to copy, such as respect, fairness, friendliness, honesty, kindness and tolerance of others. How you handle your anger, for instance, is the behavior you pass on to your children. If you don’t like what you see, take a look at yourself.
7. Be a strong support system for your children. As a support, you are available when they need to talk. You are there to help and encourage them. Seize every available moment to make a connection. Help your children identify other supportive people in their lives with whom they can also talk.
8. Make flexibility a priority. Try not to base your expectations on “shoulds”. Every child is different and his/her response to a situation will be unique. For instance, you’re getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage. Some children will react with anger, sadness, or guilt. Others will react with complete silence. Adjust your handling of each child according to the personality and needs of the individual.

Understand that you have an enormous responsibility as a parent, but be patient and tolerant. In addition, be aware of your own special needs and limitations. You have strengths and weaknesses and with an awareness of both, you need to be kinder and gentler with yourself. If you take care of yourself and your own well-being, you are modeling an important value for your children, as well.

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Amy Sherman, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. Amy is the author of the ebook, “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life” and “The Joy of Optimism 10-Lesson eCourse. Visit http://www.bummedoutboomer.com/ to learn more about boomer issues and to receive a Special Report on Overcoming Adversity when you sign up for her FREE newsletter. Contact her by email at amy@bummedoutboomer.com or by phone at 561) 281-2975

Releasing a Child Into the World

One of the hardest parts about being a parent is letting go. We don’t pay too much attention, when our children are babies, to the fact that one day we will have to release them into the world to start their lives on their own. The only thing we really care about is their health, safety and happiness. We do everything we can to create a life that is fulfilling and nurturing, so that when they are old enough, they will be ready to support and sustain themselves independently.

After years of bonding, coddling and cooing, we eventually send them off to kindergarten, hoping they make friends and do well. Throughout their elementary years, we are involved in school activities, baseball and ballet lessons and of course, carpooling. We dread when they come home crying because they were picked last, yet we understand that we can’t shelter them from the harsh world they are meant to enter.

The adolescent years are rougher, with teasing, co-ed parties, hormones and the first kiss
All the while, children depend on us for guidance, wisdom, support and as an example of how to handle life’s trials and tribulations. We hope we do a good job because there are fewer and fewer years left when we can strongly impact their lives on a day to day basis.

Parenting is hard because we work (whether in or outside the home), are tired, have to make dinner, check homework and deal with setting rules and giving structure. We do all this so that our teenager knows that home is the safe haven they deserve. They may hate us, be embarrassed by how we dress or act, yet they know we love them and are there for them when needed.

High school graduation is a turning point -- their introduction to adult responsibility and perhaps more freedom. Some children go straight to work, while others go off to college to pursue a specific career. But wait! Wasn’t it just yesterday that we were diapering them and helping them blow their noses? Didn’t they promise they were never getting married and will always be with mommy, forever? Why is it so difficult to let them go, when our job has always been to prepare them for this time?

We need to put this all into perspective. Yes, it is harder for us than for them. We are the ones left at home with an empty room and memories. Yet, we are so happy we fulfilled our job well and created healthy, independent children who can successfully function in our challenging world. We parents need to be grateful for the blessing of seeing our children thrive and move on. It is bitter sweet, but like chocolate covered strawberries, it’s ALL good.

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Amy Sherman, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. Amy is the author of the ebook, “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life” and “The Joy of Optimism 10-Lesson eCourse. Visit www.bummedoutboomer.com to learn more about boomer issues and to receive a Special Report on Overcoming Adversity when you sign up for her FREE newsletter. Contact her by email at amy@bummedoutboomer.com or by phone at 561) 281-2975