Parenteen Sense

After the Kids Leave, What Next?

2009-12-28T12:32:00.002-05:00

The kids are off to college or out in the world making their first real money. You’ve done a great job getting them ready for adulthood and can now breathe a sigh of relief. However, as happy as you may be for them, it’s still sad that they are gone and the sense of loss may be overwhelming.

Even more challenging than the feelings of your home becoming an empty nest, is what to do with all your new-found time. You and your spouse are alone, together, and this transition in your life may bring up some deep-seated problems that may not have surfaced until now.

Some couples may have stayed together for the sake of the kids and may not be as close as they used to be, when they were dealing with daily parenting issues. Others may find this time to finally enjoy a second honeymoon. Single parents may view this phase as an opportunity to date without worrying about what the kids think.
For all parents, this is a great time to put your focus on you. Examine your options, explore your financial necessities and satisfy your emotional and social needs. For many parents, the empty nest experience is short-lived, with job searches difficult and housing costs tenuous. Therefore, the kids may be back at home before you know it!

Here are some things you can do to help you get through this transition time:

1. Keep your relationship with the kids open and positive. Enjoy your time together as adults.

2. Support your spouse in whatever new endeavor he/she may embark upon. After all, you finally have more time to be creative.

3. Make a list of things you’d like to do in the next 10-15 years and then go for it!

4. Celebrate the freedom you now have and do what you want, including traveling, seeing shows and starting new hobbies.

5. Discuss any health, financial or emotional concerns with your spouse, a friend or professional. This will help you make necessary changes that lead to enhancing your overall well-being. Be sure to keep moving in a positive direction.

6. Explore having fun with your partner by sharing common interests or by learning something new together.

7. Declutter your home. Making space means you are allowing new and exciting areas into your life.

If you work on changing any negative thoughts you have about your situation and focus on your new life with expectation and excitement, you will be rekindling your spirit and renewing a sense of fulfillment. With new discoveries and new beginnings ahead of you, you can treat yourself to little luxuries that will add to your enjoyment of life. When you adjust yourself to your new lifestyle, you will see that a little pampering boosts the spirit and rejuvenates the soul.

Your World With a Troubled Teen

2008-07-10T18:40:00.008-04:00

Chaos, confusion and conflict. These are the dimensions of a troubled teen’s world. How do you know if your teen is troubled or if he/she is just going through normal adolescents? You can ask yourself the following questions to get some insight:

1. Is your teen very secretive, evasive and unwilling to share aspects of his/her personal life?

2. Does he/she display outbursts of anger that seem irrational, unreasonable and unprovoked?

3. Is there a sudden change in his/her peer relationships and are you unfamiliar with this new group?

4. Does he/she act out in school, get in trouble with police or defy authority figures?

5. Has there been a change in grades or has your child lost interest in activities once enjoyed?

6. Do you suspect drug/alcohol use based on his/her extreme erratic behavior or bizarre appearance?

7. Is there noticeable weight gain or loss or changes in eating habits?

A positive answer to any of these does not mean your child is in trouble. However, if these signs and symptoms persist, you may want to educate yourself about one or more of the following disorders: depression, oppositional defiance, eating disorders and mood disorders.

As the parent of a troubled teen, you need to be extremely responsible and attentive. Do not let someone else teach your child “the ropes,” especially if it’s someone who may not have their best interest in mind. Familiarize yourself with their language, the websites they frequent (My Space, Face Book), so you can be alert to any negative influences or even sites that may put them in danger.

Do not give up on them. Teens tend to test your patience until they wear you out. Be aware that you are often manipulated by their creative ways of getting what they want. Teens really want your attention, whether positive or negative, but they also need your guidance. You are always the parent, but your approach should not alienate or shut yourself out of your child’s life. Speak to your teen in a fair, but firm tone, while redefining the expectations and consequences for breaching the rules. This will offer consistency and structure and help them be responsible for their actions, attitudes and emotions.

Amy Sherman is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. She is the author of the ebook, “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life” and “The Joy of Optimism” 10-Lesson eCourse. Go to http://www.bummedoutboomer.com/ to sign up for her free ezine and to receive a Special Report on Overcoming Adversity. Amy can be reached at amy@bummedoutboomer.com or 561-281-2975.

How to Remain Close with the Kids

2008-07-04T12:42:00.002-04:00

One of the most important relationships you’ll ever have is with your children. Now that they’re older, with their own lives and interests apart from you, how can you keep the relationship and bond strong and healthy?

Here are several effective principles that will enhance your relationship and keep you close:

Be willing to listen first, and then offer opinions, rather than turning the dialogue into a lecture. Anybody will shut down if what you say sounds like a sermon. Therefore, be a good listener, using reflective listening skills. You may say something like, “I understand what you’re saying. You feel… However, I would like to assure you that…”
Improve your understanding by using good body language.
Be sure that your facial expression and words are in alignment because body language reveals an overall emotional tone.
Encourage a free expression of feelings, thoughts and ideas. This would keep the conversation open and maintain an awareness of the child’s perspective.
Allow “special together time”. In other words, save time in your day or week to go shopping with your 12 year old, a movie with your 15 year old or out to dinner with your 22 year old. Be generous with your love, hugs and complements. This encourages a sense of trust and closeness, which is essential for security and well-being.
Be empathetic. By putting yourself in your teen’s or young adult’s shoes you begin to remember what it was like to be that age—what you were afraid of, what your most important concerns were, what you needed from others. Remember that all feelings they experience are real and should never be discounted.
Practice being a good role model. Therefore, express the traits you want your children to copy, such as respect, fairness, friendliness, honesty, kindness and tolerance of others. How you handle your anger, for instance, is the behavior you pass on to your children. If you don’t like what you see, take a look at yourself.
Be a strong support system for your children. As a support, you are available when they need to talk. You are there to help and encourage them. Seize every available moment to make a connection. Help your children identify other supportive people in their lives with whom they can also talk.
Make flexibility a priority. Try not to base your expectations on “shoulds”. Every child is different and his/her response to a situation will be unique. For instance, you’re getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage. Some children will react with anger, sadness, or guilt. Others will react with complete silence. Adjust your handling of each child according to the personality and needs of the individual.

Understand that you have an enormous responsibility as a parent, but be patient and tolerant. In addition, be aware of your own special needs and limitations. You have strengths and weaknesses and with an awareness of both, you need to be kinder and gentler with yourself. If you take care of yourself and your own well-being, you are modeling an important value for your children, as well.

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Amy Sherman, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. Amy is the author of the ebook, “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life” and “The Joy of Optimism 10-Lesson eCourse. Visit http://www.bummedoutboomer.com/ to learn more about boomer issues and to receive a Special Report on Overcoming Adversity when you sign up for her FREE newsletter. Contact her by email at amy@bummedoutboomer.com or by phone at 561) 281-2975

Releasing a Child Into the World

2008-06-22T08:43:00.001-04:00

One of the hardest parts about being a parent is letting go. We don’t pay too much attention, when our children are babies, to the fact that one day we will have to release them into the world to start their lives on their own. The only thing we really care about is their health, safety and happiness. We do everything we can to create a life that is fulfilling and nurturing, so that when they are old enough, they will be ready to support and sustain themselves independently.

After years of bonding, coddling and cooing, we eventually send them off to kindergarten, hoping they make friends and do well. Throughout their elementary years, we are involved in school activities, baseball and ballet lessons and of course, carpooling. We dread when they come home crying because they were picked last, yet we understand that we can’t shelter them from the harsh world they are meant to enter.

The adolescent years are rougher, with teasing, co-ed parties, hormones and the first kiss
All the while, children depend on us for guidance, wisdom, support and as an example of how to handle life’s trials and tribulations. We hope we do a good job because there are fewer and fewer years left when we can strongly impact their lives on a day to day basis.

Parenting is hard because we work (whether in or outside the home), are tired, have to make dinner, check homework and deal with setting rules and giving structure. We do all this so that our teenager knows that home is the safe haven they deserve. They may hate us, be embarrassed by how we dress or act, yet they know we love them and are there for them when needed.

High school graduation is a turning point -- their introduction to adult responsibility and perhaps more freedom. Some children go straight to work, while others go off to college to pursue a specific career. But wait! Wasn’t it just yesterday that we were diapering them and helping them blow their noses? Didn’t they promise they were never getting married and will always be with mommy, forever? Why is it so difficult to let them go, when our job has always been to prepare them for this time?

We need to put this all into perspective. Yes, it is harder for us than for them. We are the ones left at home with an empty room and memories. Yet, we are so happy we fulfilled our job well and created healthy, independent children who can successfully function in our challenging world. We parents need to be grateful for the blessing of seeing our children thrive and move on. It is bitter sweet, but like chocolate covered strawberries, it’s ALL good.

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Amy Sherman, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice. Amy is the author of the ebook, “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomer’s Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life” and “The Joy of Optimism 10-Lesson eCourse. Visit www.bummedoutboomer.com to learn more about boomer issues and to receive a Special Report on Overcoming Adversity when you sign up for her FREE newsletter. Contact her by email at amy@bummedoutboomer.com or by phone at 561) 281-2975

What Teens Want From Their Parents

2008-06-12T17:42:00.001-04:00

Remember when you were young and how it felt being hassled by your parents? Remember how you used to think your parents never understood you and that they were old and uninformed? Well, now that we are in that position, as parents of teenagers, we need to remember what we wanted from our parents.

Let’s look at the perspective of teenagers during this phase of their lives and what they think of us.

Teens want to be able to decide things for themselves and be able to separate from their parent’s rule. It’s only natural and is an important step towards independence and autonomy. Even though we prefer to shelter them and keep them from getting hurt, they need to make mistakes, just as we did. For parents, it’s essential that we let our teens develop their own identity and be able to solve problems using their own wits, knowledge and common sense.

Teens want to experiment and push to the limit. As a parent, you need to pick and choose your battles, saving your biggest objections for the really important things, like drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex. Other things like clothes, make-up, music, etc, may not be worth hassling over and causing a strain on the relationship.

Teens are more competent than we assume. Imagine how it feels to have your body tell you that you are an adult and yet your parents are still calling you a child and treating you as such. Teens want to be heard and respected and it is up to us to allow them to excel. Recognize their talents ie: computer savvy, cooking skills, art work, etc. and utilize those skills within the dynamic of the household. Let teens feel like they are contributing to the family and that their responsibilities are meaningful.

Teens want their parents to know that words hurt and that it is hard to forget. Be careful of what you say to your kids and how you say it. Parents need to understand that, like us, our kids have feelings too.

Everyone in the family is competing for your time. They should never be competing for importance. The key is to convey that your teens are significant and that you are enjoying the journey with them. You do that by listening without judgment and understanding with much empathy. As with everything else, this phase will be over and your relationship will be that much stronger.

5 Secrets to Parenting Your Teens

2008-06-07T07:56:00.003-04:00

The most common concerns parents have with their teens is how to communicate without dealing with power struggles and conflict. There are some positive approaches you can use which will get you the positive results you desire.

The first thing to do is understand the many challenges teens face at this age. There’s peer pressure, fitting in, appearance and popularity, not to mention doing well in school, extra-curricular activities and pleasing mom and dad. There’s a lot expected of teens and unless they have the most appropriate coping skills to handle things, they will fall victim to the pressure and you will suffer their wrath.

The following are 5 effective techniques you can use to keep things positive:

To develop a rapport with your teen, find something you can appreciate about them, like a talent you admire, a physical trait (beautiful blue eyes) or a unique quality they possess (sensitivity to others) and focus on it. Start your conversation by acknowledging their qualities and how fortunate they are to possess them. It will get the teens in a receptive mood and get you aligned on their side.
Listen with empathy. Many arguments can be avoided if you put yourself in their shoes for the moment and perceive the problems through their eyes. Be sincere by letting your teens know that you can appreciate how they feel and can actually feel their pain. If your children know they can trust you with their feelings, they’ll be more inclined to open up.
Always be the parent. Teens need guidance and support, but they don’t want to be controlled. Making demands on them only causes them to shut down. Offering suggestions with reason is a better way to keep the dialogue going and keeps their resistance down.
Involve your teens in the solution by encouraging original ideas. Get them thinking and solving problems themselves. This will boost their self-esteem, increase their self-worth, and give them pride in their decision making abilities.
Take a genuine interest in their activities. Know who their friends are, and also what interests them outside of school. You want to show that you truly care about their lives, but that you are not overly intrusive.

Always watch for more serious warning signs that your teen may need more help than you can handle. Watch for changes in behavior (isolation, secrecy, changes in school grades, excessive sadness or depression, anger or violence) and seek immediate help with a mental health professional.

Parents who give their teens the time to grow independently, yet offer encouragement and guidance, will find that their relationship will flourish through these exhaustive and challenging teen years and manifest itself into healthy, happy bonding.